Put into a Comma after Punctuation-palooza

So you have this bundle of assignments that you got done two weeks ahead of finals because you're an especially responsible student who enjoys a relatively stress-free conclusion to his/her semester. First of all, bite me. Second of all, good for you. Although now you're probably getting anxious; none of your professors accept early assignments because they have "other things to work on" before they receive the torrent of papers and accompanying papercuts that arrive just before holiday break. What to do, what to do.

Here's a crazy idea: go back over them. Now I know it's painful to go back and look at old work (I have a whole folder of assignments on my computer that I refuse to open because I'm sure it'll send me into shock), but you haven't turned in your assignment yet. Basically, you're not quite done yet. That compare/contrast paper you did on the political associations of Fox News and MSNBC? You know, the one you knocked off in a couple hours so you could go see the new Twilight at midnight because your friends are fans of the series but you never saw one before because you read high-brow stuff like David Sedaris and frequent McSweeney's? Welp, you might just want to glance over it one more time.

MSNBC has Rachel Maddow, Andrea Mitchell, and Chris Matthews.

Fox News features Bill O'Reilly, Shepard Smith and Greta Van Susteren.

Look hard. There is a difference between those two sentence, one that goes beyond the content. I'll give you a hint. It's not the periods. Give up? It's the commas. You use them in a series. While in the first series you use one before the "and," you didn't put one before the "and" in the second one. Now, it's my understanding that either is acceptable but here's a word of advice: consistency. You want to keep the stylistic choices you make consistent or someone's going to take them for mistakes as opposed to a decision of style.

Commas are a weakness, you say? Let's change that. Let's make them a strength.

Oh, here's another spot.

Fox News personalities tend to sit on the right-wing of politics; conversely many MSNBC personalities sit on the left-wing.

Astute observation. Bravo on the semi-colon. But you forgot something. It's not the--

Yeah, it's the comma. Or rather, the lack thereof. Any idea where you might jam that comma?

Fox News personalities tend, to sit on the right-wing of politics; conversely many MSNBC personalities sit on the left-wing.

NOPE. Try again.

Fox News personalities tend to sit on the right-wing of politics; conversely, many MSNBC personalities sit on the left-wing.

Huzzah! Right after the transition! Bravo. One more spot.

Keith Olberman was once on MSNBC, but has since left.

Now let's--okay, so you're getting it now. Commas. Solid. But what do you think the issue is with this comma? Still nothing? Try reading after the comma and conjuction:

has since left.

Who has since left? What has since left? What did you do with that subject?! By jamming that comma before the phrase you created a compound sentence out of a sentence and a fragment--a union that should never be.

Now there are some other spots in that paper where you made similar mistakes with commas.

Eliminate them.

From the Comma Police to the Judge's Sentence

If you'll recall Gina's Radiohead homage/how to on introductory clauses and comma use, you'll remember that commas are used both after introductory phrases and when introducing someone. But you may be shocked to learn that commas have a few other uses that might just blow your mind. You may also note that the title of this post was a poorly-constructed attempt to do her post homage, but please forgive me. Parody is not my strong suit.

Commas (or as some confused people call them, "comas") are often thrown in by budding writers when they think a natural pause appears. It's like they want to mark a spot where the reader can take a breath if reading out loud. While it's certainly kind of them, it's unnecessary.

You may be asking, "Doug, can I use my commas in my cooking?"

"No," I answer, though I am interested in seeing you try.

You then ask, "Can I use them to stick together pieces of paper?"

"Not quite," I respond, "but you're getting closer."

Before you can even get a word out, however, I excitedly shout the answer, "YOU CAN PUT SENTENCES TOGETHER WITH THEM!!!" While you're recovering from my outburst, allow me to explain.

Compound sentences are essentially combinations of two sentences slapped together. One of the ways you can do so is with a comma and a connector. For example:

I lost the bet, so now I have to wear a dress.

The first sentence here is "I lost the bet," while the second one is "now I have to wear a dress." You'll notice there is also a "so" there. What of this "so"? It's our connector, a coordinating conjunction like for, and, nor, but, or, and yet. Add the "so" on the end there and you'll remember the words easily: "FANBOYS."

Now you're telling me, "But Doug, I know this already. It's kids stuff."

Slow down there, sport. I got something else to tell you. There's another way you can paste two sentences together and it's with a little something I (and most people) like to call a semi-colon. You've probably seen it before; you might see it in this sentence here. You'll recognize it as the little brother to the colon, like a colon with a tail, but truthfully the two punctuation marks are functionally dissimilar. Let's look at our earlier compound sentence:

I lost the bet; now I have to wear a dress.

It looks a little cleaner, doesn't it? No comma, but also no connector. Don't let the cleanliness fool you, however. If you use a semicolon too much, you may get semicolon-happy. Some people want to use a semicolon when they actually want to use a comma. Our EIU Writing Center Punctuation Pattern Sheet notes that it's "most effective when used sparingly." Too many semicolons can make your paper semigood.

It's important to remember that, though the semicolon looks like a comma with a great idea, they're not perfectly interchangeable. Think of the dot in the semicolon as compensating for the missing connector; if you don't have the dot, all you have is a comma. And then you just look ridiculous.

Colon Cleansing

The truth about the colon is hard to grasp. In order to get acquainted with the colon, you first have to know the basics. Sometimes a person can invite a colon over and the situation gets awkward. You really didn't know what you were getting in to. You just thought that the colon looked nice today, and now you're stuck with this thing in the middle of your sentence that you're not sure what to do with. Is it the right time? Maybe the colon isn't what you thought it was. Here is some basic information about the colon so that next time you see those sideways headlights you will be prepared:

1. Use the colon after a complete sentence to introduce a list of items when introductory words such as for example, such as, or namely do not appear. Think of the colon as a gate.

example: I want the following items: peas, a puppy, and knowledge of colons.


2. Use the colon after an independent clause when introducing a quotation.

example: My grocer's remark about me was complimentary: "She's here all the time. She always buys lots of q-tips and doughnuts....every time... q-tips and doughnuts."

3. Use a colon between two independent clauses when you want to emphasize the second clause.

example: I don't understand why anyone shops at that store: the grocers always stare awkwardly at people.


NOTE: There are some similar situations where a colon wouldn't fit. You would not put a colon after the verb in the sentence, since the phrase that precedes the colon must be an independent clause. You would not include a colon in sentences such as the following:

Her favorite food was chocolate ice cream.
His recipe included fish, peanut butter, and ham-flakes.

Since these sentences include words like included and was, and "Her favorite food was" is not an independent clause, there is no colon necessary.

Now that you know a couple of uses of the colon, you can use it with style and confidence!

You can also use it to make that gate.

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